A funny thing happened last night- after getting home and taking care of a few things I got a phone call in the middle of the night from an ex. Now this ex is one where when you break-up there is a lot of respect and admiration (not one where the other person is supposed to cease existing), one of those relationships where the timing just wasn’t right and was exactly where it needed to be at that time in my life.
That last line is the key to this post. There is a time and place for everyone and everything. We chatted for about 15 minutes, he was just calling to say hi and see how I was- I was happy to hear how his life is going and the terrific career and relationship he has. It was a touch base call- when people shift your life profoundly you have a bond with them for eternity. There is nothing relationship oriented or sexual about it, it is just a fondness or tie that never dissipates.
Somewhere in the conversation he briefly mentioned another ex (whom we both know) and that piece of the conversation made me sad. Now immediately you can think it is sadness due to feelings for the other ex but no, it is sadness that the other ex (as I will now refer to him) has not yet transcended a place in his life I thought he would pass in his mid-twenties and hearing about it makes me sad.
See when you break up with someone that you go out with for a while you want, no matter what, to believe there is some respect and admiration for what you once had. Not in a “God, I hope we get back together” way, but in that “Man, what we had at that time was great for my growth. I walked away with a fondness for that person”. When you hear that your ex still crafts stories and scenarios about you- well it just makes me sad. Get over it. It’s over (and has been for a number of years).
It also leads me to believe that the person years later who continues to create things in their head is still the same person that they were years ago, and that makes me sad.
My passion in life is to facilitate growth in others and see people expand beyond their limits- you can see this in everything I do whether it is my career, relationships, friendships, or family- it is my calling. So when someone you once cared about has shown little to no growth or development in self-assurance or the ability to be “straight” about things, well that just makes me feel bad that they got nothing and selfishly happy it is no longer my issue, all at the same time. See, it is easier to take the road of them vs. you, it is easier to resist growth and keep what you think is true. On the other side of my beliefs and my walls is the truly defining moments of my life and I am grateful each day that I will never stop questioning what I think is “true” or what I hold onto with conviction.
It is in these moments that I can choose who Tim Allen is- Vice President of a Fortune 500 company or Tim Allen, human, explorer, contributor. Those out there who stay in what they really believe they are or in the conviction of your truths, I implore you- let it go, try something else on. You don’t have to put who you are in a box and store it away forever, it can still be a piece of you. It can still exist but don’t let it define all you are. So many people go through life defining themselves in their careers- “I am an architect”. This is why when people retire they face a huge identity crisis. The same holds true when you are “right” about something, the other person must be wrong. But really- what is your “rightness” for, who would you really be if you didn’t have to be right all the time? You have decades ahead of you. Life is too short to not keep growing and exploring all the different possible ways of who you are.
Yoda is done with his wax-poetic.