I had one of those days at work where getting home and into bed couldn’t come fast enough. It was a day where I thought to myself- “please poke my eyes out with the stapler”. Everything that I could be confronted with came up. Insecurities, frustration, resignation (mental not literal)- you name it and that is an emotion I felt. Matter of fact typing this I am prompted by the lovely Microsoft to restart my computer now or later (thank you, ignoring it the fifteenth time should provide that oh so subtle hint that I don’t want to do it anytime soon) but I digress.
I think I asked for this day in my quirky cosmic way, as though I had it coming. It is the old statement put something out there in the world and it will test you to see if you really can handle it. Lately I have been reading a series of blogs regarding personal time and financial management (p.s. God Bless Google Reader- I am an IAC loyalist but Bloglines you have got to turn it around). I am not reading these blogs due to dire straights in either area of life but simply because I don’t feel like I am living to my full potential in either of them. Ever get that feeling? The one that feels like it is good enough but not good enough to want to stay there (eerily it is the feeling I get when I stay over 5 days visiting my parents). Anyhow, I have been reading some creative people blog about a few of the finer points of these two areas and I started thinking long and hard about where I am at.
My commute this morning was the crescendo of my thoughts and here is where I landed: I am not lazy but man do I avoid shit. I am pretty good about stepping up to take accountability or responsibility for things (if I do say so myself) but I really don’t like holding myself into account for things. For example, you want a report or want a project done- no problem. I feel a sense of accountability to you to do those things. Now hold myself into account for taking out over $600 a month in cash, well why would I do that? I am tired, I have a boss, it’s not hurting anyone. See it is all of this rationale that I am able to come up with that takes over, it is that damn left hemisphere coming into play again. If I were to really hold myself into account for my budget and not achieve my goal what excuse do I have? Who could I blame? Would I really get what I want by following through?
The answer on all counts is…who knows? As trite as it sounds I am realizing that you never know until you reach the top if it worth the uphill climb. It is ridiculous that I will bend over backwards to “keep my word” with others but with myself it is flexible or even non-existent. See, another thing that my favorite blogs (listed at the bottom of this post) talk about is that money is fluid, it will come and go. Time on the other hand will not. Time is gone, after every second, minute, hour, day there is no repeat, no getting it back. And time is what I waste- whether it is thinking about what I should or should not be doing or updating my budget but not living it.
So what am I doing about it?
Fortunately all of this tracking is the proverbial tip of the iceberg. Armed with the data I am starting to also look at the why. Why do I work so long and hard? Why do I avoid certain things in my calendar? Why do I spend the cash- do I think I deserve it due to the work hours or some other entitlement reason?
A friend once told me that there is a fine line between what you wanted and what you got. I am focused on the things that are getting me what I got and keeping me from what I want. I will keep updating this blog as to what I uncover- it is just getting good.
As promised some of the blogs I follow:
Consumerism Commentary: A Personal Finance Blog
There are about a dozen more but these are the top three. If you want the full list shoot me an email and I will post it or send it to you.